Civility out of Acceptance

**** Short story is now LINKED in my Friends and Interesting Ilk section. Had forgotten I hadn't released it to the masses. My apologies. Enjoy~ ****

Calm, relaxed, somewhat complete, clear, this are all adjectives that have been running around in my head for a little while. Good things, complete things. Allowing me to stop focusing on things that I should probably not been focusing on. Put things into proper perspective. Denials sometimes are the best answers. I don't know why I couldn't see that sooner. I could never be exactly who I am, because I was always trying to put my best foot forward. I restrained myself in situations expecting things to work out. In the end, I'm glad things did not.

My life is ever changing, however, who I am is not changing. I am the person I want to be and will build into the person I should be when dealing with specific people that come into my life. I hold my word and honor above anything else. If I say I'm going to do something, I do it. I do not back off, mix up, or take back unless I was in the wrong. My faith keeps me from falling too far off the path, and my Lord directs me and provides.

Studying for Math Test. Finishing up 2nd Short story. This one is starting to get difficult, because I am trying to figure out how best to relate to this character, because there is almost none of me in him. Though, I must dictate dialogue specifically from this point of view.

Into the darkness I descend, madness could be the only cheerful thing. I will return being much better for it however. Wow, I'm excited I want to wrap this story up! Will be posting a slight preview shortly up on the blog of the 2nd short story.

A Voice That Never Sings

When do I raise my voice and speak up? When will it matter? When will I know what the future holds? I hope I am able to piece together this rather soon. Within another month at the latest I would imagine. I have issues, sometimes I can hardly sleep at night, thinking about what can and could happen. Excitement, Resentment, Depression, Apathetic, these are a few of the emotions toying around in my head on any given day. However, my days are always good! Christ continues to dwell within me, everything will work out. I do not worry, I just am anxious. Maybe I should get this over and done with sooner rather than later. Yeah, thought so.

Additional tidbits: Short story 2 has been started and has a tentative finish date in place. Short story 3 and 4 are coming right around the corner, with a compilation reworking it all together. I'm thrilled and exhilarated at providing a piece of fiction that numerous people will be able to read and interpret for themselves. Whatever people get out of it, I will be happy. I have not pure intentions on what characters mean. Just some slight resemblances that I'm culled from here and there. Real life and the Fake Life. My passion burns on.

Timing is Everything

Timing comes and goes.
Does my will control the time?
People make the time.

As I strive to find the perfect time
I peer into the surreal sublime
Looking for a choice of right and wrong
Trying to remain headstrong.

I only wish decisions I make could be easier to decide. I'd prefer that in fact. People are complex, I'm drawn to that. I wish though we weren't as complex, for some people seem to make no sense. Maybe it will come together over time. I sure hope in the near future it all comes clear.

Trust that everything will come together for the greater good. Anxious to find this trust.

Creepiness with a bit of Self-Reflection.

Laugh out Loud.
Go ahead try it.
It's not so funny anymore is it.
No not funny at all.
Why is it not funny Tom?
Well Jerry, they aren't fighting back anymore.
The game is up.
That's a shame.
A bet isn't a bet if nothing is at stake.

That's a rough rendition of dialogue between two completely screwed up individuals. Unfortunately, it's rather sad that people do what they do with little to no remorse.

Funny Games.

It will make you think. Sad, that our society is one of ignoring their own responsibility and looking only for entertainment in all that we do. Enjoy, spending time with the people you care about. You don't need to be "doing anything".

Lying with Honesty

I've been starting to become bothered by people not being clear with me. It is rather frustrating at times to pour into people, not expecting anything in return. Though they do return with semi half-truth trash. Why can't honesty be the best policy? If you feel a certain way be honest and truthful. Don't lie and say you care when you truly don't. Don't lie about a background that doesn't exist. Everyone's life is at times considered boring. Accept the boringness and ascribe to making the simple moments count for everything.

You say that you want respect,
Well then you better get some for yourself.
Cause all that I see right now,
Is someone who is lost and insecure.
Lady in Blue Dress - Senses Fail

Desiring honesty at all cost and consequence,
Nate

Surface Tension

So many things have been going through my head lately. Ever since I've started substitute teaching, I have enjoyed every minute. Even the minutes that involve dealing with students that do not want to be dealt with. I still find the joy in that. Maybe it's because I'm "only a substitute" and not the full-time teacher.

Well I will get my chance, I'll be long-term subbing for the rest of the semester in less than two weeks. It's going to be interesting that's for sure. Though I will truly finally get to handle the class how I would handle them.

On the downside I've felt like I'm a pond. A pond just waiting for a rock to be tossed into. A pond that would start rippling, destroying the tension that was there. The tension that was holding everything together. The glue holding a book together. I sure hope I don't become unglued.

I always thought I was good at reading people. Unfortunately, I have NO clue where I stand. It's kind of exhilarating in a way, but also horrifying. I sit back and wonder about my life and where I've been. I've been truly blessed for the GREAT friendships that I still retain. In fact, I wouldn't trade them for the world. I also have been blessed to have such great blossoming friendships with people I have generally only known for just over half a year. Yes, you Sandals folks. I'm talking about you.

MikeyB, JD, KP, Bobby. I don't know where I'd be right now without the good times and support each of you have shown me.

Sandals friends. I always realized how great a church community could be, but being quickly and readily accepted into this community was icing on the cake. I could not have asked for anything more.

Where do I go from here? Not sure. I do know God is having his way in my life, so it will all work out for the greater good. I do know things will become much clearer over the next 7 months. Everything will be coming to a head.

Who do you carry that torch for, my young man? Or do you believe in anything? Or do you carry it around just to burn things down? -Jesse Lacey

Intrigue and Absurdity

I think I'm going to finally release my first story. It's not 100% completely finished. Though it is really close to so. However, I have also started building a concept. I think it's going to be very difficult to complete. I also think that it's going to be very, very interesting and also intriguing.

Think of it this way... It's not the last we'll see of a character in the story.

Re-writes aren't fun.

So I'm alive and well. I've been gradually working on the comments made from a few friends on the editing of my short story. It's wrapping up soon as I get a little more available time to focus on it. Probably this wednesday during my might class. Yeah, I don't pay attention in that class.

A Fire Inside

Done and Done.

It feels relatively nice to have a story completed. It is on its finishing touches with some Editors. Thanks to my two friends with a skill for the English language. I am excited to release it upon the masses. Though, I don't want to release garbage if you understand! I'm still deciding what I want to focus upon next. My classes both suck, and one is going to take up tons of my time. I'll just have to cope and get it done. I'll try to continue working on another project to be named.

Like the reference to a band that many know by another name (it's actually what it stands for by the way).

~To live fully one must give it all up.

Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.

Story wrapping itself up. Should be completed for a 1st draft, unedited fairly soon. If all goes well and I don't get some block falling out of the sky and keeping me from finishing it. Should be done later today.

Won't pass it on to as many this time, without having someone give me some insight on just how bad it really is. That someone would be you Michael Baker (that English degree needs to have some polishing off right?). I'll call ya up when it's done, and send ya a copy. I'm really thinking later today/afternoon it will have some form of an ending.

~Truth hurts. Lying is so easy.

*EDIT* Story completed. Now's the time for some critical opinions, before I dust it off to the general public.

Vicarious Overwhelming

I have just gotten to watch what I have only dreamed of doing while I was still in high school. I wrapped up a CIF championship game involving my youngest brother's school. It was an intense game against a bitter rival, Jurupa Valley High School, but in the end the good people survived to the end.

It's such an odd feeling watching a younger brother win a championship when it's quite possible you were the better basketball player, even to this day. I still give him alot of credit! He has been through some tough times with his teammates and I only hope this will finally help him crack down his wall, and let his teammates truly know how he feels. So now my father and my youngest brother are going to get big rings to commemorate this grand accomplishment.

He also gets to live the rockstar life for a few days as he goes to school the following morning and students he didn't know before will now be aware of him! I can only hope he will continue to do and live how he knows best.

~Family bonds are unbreakable, unless of course the family eats itself apart.

From Ashes.

Alrighty, so I have decided to unleash a portion of my story so far. Hope you like it. Also working on doing a few Thrice musings, along with a few spiritual thoughts on particular topics. Here's the link to the word doc of my story :

Working Title(The Actuary).doc

Chew it up, spit it out. Let me know if it's dull so far. Let me know what you think so far. Let me know if it seems to be something that is worth finishing. Are you intrigued? I've written more so far, but it's really slow for me because I don't have a sense of urgency for it. And I have a 10-page paper due for a lame class I have. Blah blah.

~The mute speaks, life comes from death, new arises from ashes.

Devotion & Despair or The Actuary goes down in flames.

Disaster, this short story will not write. I keep trying to put more into it, but I keep wanting to just burn it. I'll print it out or send it off to someone or something with where it is. I just am not liking it and I don't care about finishing it. Troubling that I want to do a short story but am unable to wrap that up. Maybe I'll start regurgitating some political viewpoints? Or just continue to yarn about how absurd our government is and how trivial we really can make a "difference" within the ridiculousness of our government.

Since Money is king, what drives our world? Yeah, cash. If you have some and alot of it you can have your way. So why does the government not work that way? Well it does.

~Controversial Standpoint. If you don't like abortion.... don't do it. Think, chew, wonder how I think about my perspective. I'm sure you can't figure it out.

Troubles at High Noon

Ok so I stated that I would have my short story down within two weeks...

Well, it is alot harder to do that when I've been sidelined with an illness for a good portion of this week. I do have about 800 words down, which basically is a quick summary and setup. I could post that up or post a link to the word file if people are interested? Otherwise I'll try to work on it some more this weekend and early next week.

Please do tell. I might even go a different route, with a different story, completing scrapping what I have so far... who knows.

~Pride is sometimes required.

Fght ff yr dmns

Fight Off Your Demons.

From returning victorious through God's guidance,

I know I exist in the truest sense. God is utterly amazing within this reality. Truth will always be made clear when it is required. We cannot live life without having doubts. There is uncertainties we must all deal with. God is relentless in his passion for us to capably understand. That does not mean we fully understand what all of his sacrifice means. Goliaths aren't always what we assume them to be, and we most DEFINITELY cannot fight them alone.

I realized I was not fighting a Goliath, but rather Demons working themselves closer to me, preying on my insecurities. Thankfully, I have an amazing father and close friend that helped pull me through, in addition to whoever else's prayers went out. God works in wondrous ways, blessing me with a peace of mind that passes all understanding. You can fight your temptations, but only the Lord can fight your demons.

So do that. FGHT FF YR DMNS.

My faith runs deeper than any thoughts can whimsically cut through. Steps have been taken that very few would even venture out into. True Courage through God's leading.

~He is the fire inside of me that burns deeper than I could ever remove. He is an enigma, unchanging but never fully grasped.

Reality.

Well the story is coming along, however. . .


I really don't think I'll have it finished by this weekend, though I have an introduction so to speak. I'm really debating if I should just lump it up in parts and/or sections. Any ideas? I think I'll be able to get to stopping point or editable draft within two weeks for sure though. School is just starting to catch up to me, and my silly "hoops" classes are having a pile of work due this week along with next.

~"My Soul Longs For You" Misty Edwards (A good listen, it's amazing how such simple words and few lyrics can make for a powerful song with emotion and character poured into it.)

My soul longs for You
nothing else will do

I believe that You will come
like the rain

YOU COME LIKE THE RAIN

~To make up for not having the short story completed, I'll have an interesting take on faith this upcoming friday.

~~And yes Scott, eventually politics might rear it's ugly head in this venue.

Unrestless

It has been decided, the poll stays up! However, my first work will be a short story piece, unedited... which means I want opinions and ideas about what can be done to improve it. Where it is slow, what is unneeded, how can it be stronger, flow better, be more dramatic, audience can associate better with the main identity.

Enough said, should be up within the week.

Until then, back to my closet away from people who I like and/or dislike.

~What have I gotten myself into?

Ignorance is bliss, but so is Understanding.

If the earlier post was slightly too morbid or depressing, I don't know how much better this one will be. Reason being, I decided to let go somewhat of something that has troubled me for many, many years and why that song in particular rings so chillingly to me. Death has always been hard for me to deal with. I shutdown, close off my feelings and space out. I feel and empathize greatly with friends and family for their loss, but I myself never let the grief release.

I think part of that is I abhorrently despise feeling insecure and with no control over my present situation. I almost never cry at funerals, even of close loved ones. The few times I start to get teary-eyed isn't so much about my emotions, but sympathizing closely with friends and family that share their memories and the weight of grief that they are going through. I have compassion and care when people are distressed.

The starting place of my separation all started in 4th grade. I could go into great detail but I'll keep it brief and to the point. Possibly adding more to it at a later time. I had a teacher that was a great teacher, then as I moved on up through 5th and to 6th grade, he moved up to teach our 6th grade class. I felt like he was a second father to me, even though my relationship with my dad was always great. In April of my 6th grade year the teacher had a heart attack in class after first recess. We found out two hours later, our teacher had passed away almost immediately upon arrival at the hospital.

I've never gotten over that, nor do I think I will ever. I become almost emotionless, when my grandfather passed away last April, I almost treated it as a blessing for him since he was struggling so much. When my other grandfather passed away 6 years ago, I was shocked that it happened but had no other thoughts otherwise. I got along great with both and truly enjoyed spending time with them both.

Why is death so hard to deal with? Why do I struggle so mightily with letting it go? Why do I continue to hold on, but not let God free me? Why do I care so passionately for people and their feelings, but I cannot have the same for myself? Why even though I know God is with us always and is always by my side, do I feel as if I am alone intermittently? I kinda think many of these reasons is why I despise fakeness. People being real, and truly caring for each other has and always will be important to me. That's why for these past few months, I'm come to a much better place. I belong. I'm accepted for who I am, and what Christ has done in me. Thankfully God never leaves us alone, we just sometimes put blinders on and ignore his presence.

~Disasters always allow us to see the real truth in humanity.

Love as only a Mother can prove.

One song that has stood out greatly to me in recent memory is a song entitled Limousine by Brand New. This song has a slow buildup to an unrefined conclusion. Culminating in the repetition of:

Well, I love you so much
But do me a favor baby and don't reply
Cause I can dish it out
But I can't take it

This repetition starts out drearily, but ends up rather distressful. It is repeated about 8-10x. Those lyrics stood out even more to me after hearing Jesse Lacey explain his thought process after hearing a sad, sad tale; which he then decided to immortalize in song. He quickly retold the tale and then embellished his own flair into it to write the song

The story was about a mother loving her daughter so dearly and dealing with the distress and emotion of losing a loved one, almost as if she was shell-shocked. A mother had just re-married and had her lovely daughter, age 7, be the flower girl. As the family left they wedding reception, they left in two limousines. The mother and the new father were riding in a limousine directly behind the limousine their daughter was in. As they started driving down the highway, they had nothing but joy in their lives after leaving a wonderful wedding. Unfortunately a man had decided to drink far too much for one man to handle, and at the same moment was careening down the wrong way of the highway with reckless abandon.

His car came head-on directly into the front limousine. The parents in the limousine behind them avoided the wreck and immediately pulled over and rushed to the crash site. As the mother ran back she noticed upon something lying on the ground away from the crash. It was round, small, detached, with a flower eerily glowing as the traffic drove past. The mother stopped looking at the crash and sprinted emphatically to the flower. As she came upon it, she realized what has occurred.

Lifting the flower up into arms, she sat on the side of the highway brushing the hair out of her daughter's eyes. The mother sat on the side of the highway for a very long while caressing her daughter whispering sweet nothings. Words cannot express what the mother felt, and there was no one that could draw her back to the reality that she was in.

The man who was driving the vehicle that hit the limousine was alive but injured. The limousine driver was killed, and the young girl was never going to be in a wedding for her mother. She was never going to enjoy life and experience it beyond that day. Though she would never have to deal with the loss of innocence that we must all open our eyes to.

Jesse Lacey was so struck by the story, that his retelling is even more effective and well done much like only a songwriter can do. The song retells the story from 2 people's perspectives, starting with the mother, leading onto the drunk driver with a bridge of transition, and then leading to the repetition of the chorus mentioned above.

Love is so deep. There is nothing that can express when we truly love, you just know. Losing a loved one is a distressing time, and often words cannot help. One can only be there for support for when the surviving party comes from their grief. I have a hard time with death, mainly because I become so ignorant of it and emotionless. This song has helped me relate and truly understand what it means to have loss. One is not rational, nor is one caring what others think when they are in grief. If only we all can live life, caring for one another so powerfully, that we love one another as if it's our own daughter losing her life... that is what I think is intended by Christ when he states "Love one another as I have loved you".

So take a listen, if you don't like Brand New you still should give this song a chance. If you enjoy Brand New relish the fact that the lyrics at times are emotively potent and full. That song has made me think, and I think there is great worth to something with meaning and depth.

Sorry about the downer, I'm just kinda having a downed day.

~stay sane. ()

True Story

An Introduction

Well, I have finally bit the bullet and succumbed to the dark side so to speak. I have now started a web log or blog for wordiness sake. We'll see what can occur from having me be apart of this so-called community. I tend to not be like everyone else. I am my own thinker. Hopefully, I will post often and consistently. The main reason why I have decided to create a blog was to allow myself an opportunity to practice my writing skills. I have not written much since college, but I have always felt I was good at it. The reason why I need to practice is to work myself through writer's blocks, expand my vocabulary, and the big reason. . .

A personalized work of "art" by me is in process. I have not decided yet what it will be. Possibly a novel, possibly a spiritual practical life book, possibly an in-depth look at the spiritual elements within the transition of Brand New (my favorite band) or even the effect Dustin's lyrics from Thrice are so spiritually potent. Only time will tell, I am open to suggestions however!

So the next step, I will try to post reviews of Movies, Albums, T.V. series, T.V. shows, Sports(?), Video Games(?), spiritual thoughts as they come, and last but not least my strong beliefs on what is truth. First step? Write. And let it all work itself out. Practice makes consistently better if not perfect.