Ignorance is bliss, but so is Understanding.

If the earlier post was slightly too morbid or depressing, I don't know how much better this one will be. Reason being, I decided to let go somewhat of something that has troubled me for many, many years and why that song in particular rings so chillingly to me. Death has always been hard for me to deal with. I shutdown, close off my feelings and space out. I feel and empathize greatly with friends and family for their loss, but I myself never let the grief release.

I think part of that is I abhorrently despise feeling insecure and with no control over my present situation. I almost never cry at funerals, even of close loved ones. The few times I start to get teary-eyed isn't so much about my emotions, but sympathizing closely with friends and family that share their memories and the weight of grief that they are going through. I have compassion and care when people are distressed.

The starting place of my separation all started in 4th grade. I could go into great detail but I'll keep it brief and to the point. Possibly adding more to it at a later time. I had a teacher that was a great teacher, then as I moved on up through 5th and to 6th grade, he moved up to teach our 6th grade class. I felt like he was a second father to me, even though my relationship with my dad was always great. In April of my 6th grade year the teacher had a heart attack in class after first recess. We found out two hours later, our teacher had passed away almost immediately upon arrival at the hospital.

I've never gotten over that, nor do I think I will ever. I become almost emotionless, when my grandfather passed away last April, I almost treated it as a blessing for him since he was struggling so much. When my other grandfather passed away 6 years ago, I was shocked that it happened but had no other thoughts otherwise. I got along great with both and truly enjoyed spending time with them both.

Why is death so hard to deal with? Why do I struggle so mightily with letting it go? Why do I continue to hold on, but not let God free me? Why do I care so passionately for people and their feelings, but I cannot have the same for myself? Why even though I know God is with us always and is always by my side, do I feel as if I am alone intermittently? I kinda think many of these reasons is why I despise fakeness. People being real, and truly caring for each other has and always will be important to me. That's why for these past few months, I'm come to a much better place. I belong. I'm accepted for who I am, and what Christ has done in me. Thankfully God never leaves us alone, we just sometimes put blinders on and ignore his presence.

~Disasters always allow us to see the real truth in humanity.